🎱 Old Man Bingo
Spend 10 minutes with the old man. Mark every square you see. First to five in a row wins nothing.
🔊 The Soundboard
Authentic sounds, recorded live in the living room. Turn your speakers up. He can't hear them either.
🦵 The Knee Forecast
More accurate than the TV guy. Updated every time you reload.
📖 The Old Man Translator
Type something a young person would say. Get it back in Old Man.
⭐ One-Star Reviews of Modern Life
"Unexpected item in bagging area." The unexpected item was me. I have been here since Tuesday.
I came here to eat, not to scan. Asked for a paper menu and the waiter looked at me like I was a fax machine.
Bought a dongle. Lost the dongle. Bought another dongle. I now own more dongles than headphones.
My jeans got holes for free in 1994.
Must contain a capital letter, a number, a symbol, a hieroglyph and the blood of a lamb. Cannot be any password you have used in this lifetime or a previous one.
Wanted to watch the news. Had to update four apps, sign into two accounts and agree to terms. The news was over.
🍝 The Spaghetti Hall of Fame
A permanent collection of 3D prints that did not go as planned.
🛒 The Gift Shop
| Recliner Lever Pro™ Three positions: sitting, reclining and "just resting my eyes." | $49.99 | |
| Orthopedic Crocs Sport mode engaged. Heel strap included at no extra charge. | $34.99 | |
| Thermostat Lock Box Nobody touches 68. Nobody. | $24.99 | |
| Reading Glasses, 12-Pack One for every room, plus the pair already on your head. | $19.99 | |
| Family-Size Muscle Rub Your family will smell it from the driveway. | $12.99 | |
| "World's Okayest Napper" Mug Holds coffee he will forget about. | $9.99 |
Prices do not include shipping & handling. Please allow 6 to 8 weeks.
📊 Official Stats
- Days since he said "I'm not old": 0
- Naps taken today: 3 (and counting)
- Times he explained the computers in the basement this week: 11
- Remotes lost: 1 (it's in his hand)
- Stories told more than once: ∞
💳 The Official Fan Club
★ OLD MAN BALLSACK FAN CLUB ★
Members: 1
📝 Sign My Guestbook!!!
| 📌 ur #1 fan 03/14/1998 | this is my favorite thing on the entire internet |
| Gary, 71 | CANT READ THIS FONT. MAKE IT BIGGER. ALSO HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS |
| Doug | Is this the email? I am trying to send the email. |
| Ron from the lake | Nice page. How do I get back to AOL? |
| Barb | Thank you for the recipe. Sent from my iPad. |
| Dennis | Who keeps touching the thermostat in the guestbook? It's freezing in here. |
🔗 The Old Man Webring
Other members: Gutter Cleaning Fan Page · Lawn Report Daily · Ask a Guy About His Grill · Weather Channel Watchers United
🔐 The Secret Room 🔐
You found it. Of course you did.
⚖️ The Old Man's Court ⚖️
| Touched the thermostat? | Right to jail. |
| Left the lights on? | Right to jail. |
| Ate the leftovers he was saving? | Right to jail. Right away. |
| Asked how the servers work? | Jail. |
| Asked how the servers work, then left halfway through the answer? | Double jail. |
| Called him old? | Accurate. Still jail. |
Report a crime:
Fun fact: in the original scene nobody says "straight to jail." It's "right to jail." You are still going to jail.
Mockup note: only reachable by the Konami code or by tapping the visitor counter 5 times. More inside jokes can go here.